Fundamentally Lonely

Friday, March 16, 2018

For those who notice, yes - I've changed my blog title. There is no specific reason. It just happened that I bumped into "The Lady is a Tramp", performed by Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga. This song is a nice song to hear if you are a woman who tries to fight over stereotypes. 

So a week ago was an international women day. I am not a kind of celebration person, I even rarely celebrate my birthday. Last year, someone made me a letter, congratulated me for being a woman and be in his side. This year I am congratulating myself by watching a video by Great Big Story about a young female professor in chemistry. The video is beautiful, and the speech is mesmerizing. I also have the same belief about being a female scientist: fight the stereotype. I like casual dress as many girls do - and not a boring batik blouse with trousers like many scientists wear. Enjoying silly videos of College Humor - yet, watching SciShow. It is fun when we can talk to many people about their world and then explain the scientific explanation.

But there is a trade off to live a double life like what I am taking now - I am gray. It's been three weeks that I've moved to Bali for a new job. I am continuing work for conservation, as I've considered that work is the work that I can really ensure about the impact I make is delivered to grassroot people, and taking another job in communication agency. I like this new job, I got a plenty of friends who are really nice, faithful, funny, care for my well-being, type of people you really want to hang out with in a café. They leave their mobile phone when interacting, applying sustainable lifestyle, and creative. The trade off of being gray is I can't get along with scientists all the time as they are boring, but I can't get along with creative people all the time as I need a "nerdy" discussion. However I love them both. But I could not pushing them to talk about something they do not enjoy to talk to, it is not a proper thing to do. Then I find, I am lonely.

In the first two weeks of my settlement in Bali, I felt frustrated. My work was not good enough for simply designing a report for my organization, and I missed several things that should be in my responsibility. My thesis supervisor keep asking me where was I in the lab meeting - forgetting that I already asked his permit to work in Bali, and explaining again and again. It was depressing with tight deadline that I could barely sleep at the middle of night. I wonder is everyone feel lonely like the way I do?  Then I found a video:

Yes I guess so. Everyone is fundamentally lonely. That is why we are keeping pets, and faith. Pets are available for us, all the time (yes simply because we cage them and they depend on us to survive). And it comes to my surprise, video below explains that the number of young people who commit a religious vow is increasing. I have witnessed how people in religious community are barely feel alone, because they are surrounded by such-caring people and a single entity who never leave them. I bet there is a study outside proving that religious people feel less lonely compared to non-religious people.

Talking about loneliness, this is a serious problem we face today. UK has appointed a woman to be their Ministry of Loneliness, as reported by The Guardian last January. There is a number of how loneliness have killed numerous people - which I won't go in detail, but - it crossed my mind, do we millennials, tend to feel more lonely in this crazy and busy world?

When I felt lonely in the middle of night but too tired to work, I watched movies. One of the movies that I found depicts this phenomenon, could be Nekad Traveler. I can relate many things in my life to the movie. I was a solo traveler; there were times when I packed my things up, headed to strange town, met a friend who resides there and stayed for days. I enjoyed being alone, writing so-called contemplation in my blog, and pretended that I was the one who really know local problem and the solution. When I think about it now, I feel that was dumb. As I worked for two years around Flores area, there is no such simple conclusion on people's problem in several days visit of solo traveling. That's a bunch of bullshit, thinking that people are really nice and happier than us who are living in the big city. They actually face many daily problem, which they never tell to outsiders. They have to deal with uncertainty, trustworthy due to limited mobile communications, failures of crop or changing seasons. And what a solo traveler does?

Writing and leave. Setting up new destination. Looking for sponsor for their own happiness. Making locals as a story to be consumed by their readers, in hope of increasing followers.

What a selfish life I had enjoyed. I decided to quit.
I admit that solo traveling was my way to forge my loneliness get out of my box, and being happy with myself.

I then found, growing up is to be happy with ourselves even if that we are alone, and that is okay.
Juggling with unbelievable deadlines, unstoppable demands, bills, and migraine.
Dealing with our anxiety, unfulfilled self-esteem, and people who are ungrateful with our presence.
Facing two choices with no clue about what is right and what is wrong to choose.

My father said to me it's time to get married so I can face life with someone.
Then I realized that I am not a good person to be married to if I can't feel enough with myself.
I will only be demanding for my partner to make me feel good and happy enough.
So I will just go home, love the girl in the mirror and try to feel happy.
Throwing my "Bucket List" away because a life to fulfill my bucket list is the most selfish life to be living in.
I will try hard to feel enough with my own presence.

Sanur, one day before The Day of Silence
Caka New Year 1940
March 16th, 2018
This article is inspired by "Liability" by Lorde

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