Falling Leaves

Friday, May 04, 2018

I've never fallen in love with a musician that much.

But this time, I finally know how it feels to be awed by someone, singing by her hearts, spelling out her honest feelings. She also wants to empower others from her heartbreak in the age of only 21. The first time I cried while listening to a musician's speech.

We are all ever have experienced a heartbreak, haven't we?

Not always in the name of love.

And this time I am ruined. My heart is broken into smallest pieces that I can barely even see anymore. At the first time I thought it was broken because a lot of my closest people are not able to communicate their intention wisely - but I found that the problem was myself. I looked myself in the mirror and I found a broken little girl who was called ugly by the entire girls in the elementary school and own sister. I found a broken little teenager who was bullied by her own closest counseling teacher just because she did not want to use hijab when she went to a mall with her girlfriends. I found a broken lady who was always tried to be nice for people in the road but the people paid it off with shitty shouting. I found a lady who, was broken by people who touched her without her consent, and threw feedback in bad words as if she was never good enough for them.

And no, those people did not break me. I broke myself with losing my grip on myself.
I did not have that kind of resilience to accept myself for who I am. That I will never ever be capable of fulfilling people's expectation, here and there.
I was never there for myself, asking what I do want to do in life and what kind of person I am.
I always avoid the reflection on the mirror every time I brush my teeth because I hate it. I hate to take selfies because I hate my reflections.

My mom - whom I lost in March, that I might not recall as one of my closest persons but often found me crying alone in my room at night, always tried to calm me with just being there and listened to me crying.  She said that I am too much softhearted (and she linked it with how I was born silently without any loud cry - silly I know). But I knew I was weak from the very beginning. I might be silent when people do bad things at me, then cry alone in the middle of night. My best friend who lived with me in the same room for 6 months also warned me for this condition.

But you know - heartbreak (which is defined by "overwhelming distress" - actually not always an issue when you just broke up with someone) does trigger the same part in our brain that activated when we experience physical pain. And from psychological researches, it is acceptable to say that the heartbreak may involves the same pain as grief. So what to do is to accept it - to acknowledge that we are heartbroken. And to cure the heartbreak is not finding someone else to make us not feeling lonely anymore - not even friends and family. I do, I do really want to find someone who will be there even when I am not able to fulfill their expectations. But we will feel lonely when they go, and get back to the same place where we left our feelings. The cure is to make a dialogue with oneself, asking what s/he wants to do, and offering a company for that self. Because life is lonely - and we obviously will find a path where we will be ended up alone. Without that grip, we will be losing everything - the goal and ourselves. This takes time and a lot harder than it sounds.

Well this is my own dialogue with myself - don't take it seriously.

I took the title for this post from a memoir of an unwanted Chinese daughter.
Like the falling leaves, I am going - to another path, falling somewhere and waiting for awhile before turning into something else.

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